I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
