I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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