Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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