shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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