Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
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I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
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Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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