The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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