My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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