my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
