Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
