please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
