I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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