he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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