I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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