the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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