i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
