I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
i black out too much to be "responsible"
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
