My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
