I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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