Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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