FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
