Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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