Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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