He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
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you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
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She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.