you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years