Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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