We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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