omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
