You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
