we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
