mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
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just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
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You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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