My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
