The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
