i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
