In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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