Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
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