In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
