never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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