I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
