I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
