Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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