A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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