and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
