Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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