Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
