The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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