I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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