i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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