Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
