Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
