My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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