Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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