I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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