All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
We're too hungover to prance.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
