the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I want a musical about memes.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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