Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
She bit a glass in half.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
