Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
