Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
