nut hugger
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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