im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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