sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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